Change and letting go

Change and letting go
How being a mother allowed me to let go of some major strongholds...

I remember the day I texted my husband from our front porch telling him that I knew I was doing exactly what I was supposed to be doing. I was watching my 10-month-old son play in the dirt from our garden and I felt an overwhelming feeling of peace come over me.

 

I had a moment of gratitude of being able to be at home during the day with him. The sun was shining on his face as I watched him smile, laugh and smash dirt in his hands. I felt God whispering “this is where I want you ” …A complete feeling of reassurance that resigning from my high-paying corporate job was the right decision. I had struggled with that decision greatly before Axle was born. It was a huge anxiety for me knowing we would lose half our income. I struggled with pulling the trigger and actually turning in my resignation letter when the time came to do so. I knew I wanted to be with my baby full time when I found out we were pregnant. I desired that and knew it was right for our family.

 

 

I had been a “career-driven ” woman for over 10 years in healthcare sales/marketing. It’s what I knew, and what was comfortable. I started to feel the burnout of the pressure of goals, quotas and numbers in my sales career.  It wasn’t a completely hard decision, but I have been known to stick in hard situations because I shy away from change and I’m fiercely loyal to things I start.

 

This sunny afternoon was the answer I needed to feel ok to release and surrender my need for a title, a “respected ” career woman, and a high-paying job that used to mean “success” to me for many years. This moment was the change that rapidly switched my heart into a deep-rooted trust in God to provide.  I didn’t see my value in a job title or position. I didn’t need a large paycheck to validate my worth anymore. Man, did I need this reassurance from God.  He knows me well and he provided a change in me that I really needed to be able to move forward in my life. I needed his hand and his words to speak to me so I could let go. Let go of the fears of what this life would look like living on one income for our family. I needed to feel at peace.  I needed to trust my husband as the amazing provider that he is, something that we as wives really need to do more of.  It helps allow them to see they are valued and trusted. Something I felt I needed to show to Matt was that he is a great husband and father and we would be fine even if that meant cutting expenses like the cable bill….which we eventually did.

I had a false sense of security wrapped up in my career field.  I relied too heavily on money and I thrived off my accomplishments of bonuses and recognition. There is a fine line between working hard for these things, being rightfully recognized for them and then falsely finding your identity in them. That is a dangerous road and one I walked down a long time.

Hear me when I say there is a difference between the two. If you took a walk down memory lane in my life, I can easily tell you all the things, experiences and opportunities I threw myself into just to feel the high of recognition and achievement. I found my identity in knowing I could do it all, be all, and find all my worth through those things and what the world said I was. Some will misconstrue what I’m saying here, so to clarify. There is nothing wrong with success, rewards, recognition, etc.  For me, there was a problem when you lose yourself in those things and feel you don’t add up without them.

 

I needed to release my over-bearing control of my pretty, neat in a box kind of life. I needed to be thrown into a new way of life so that I could learn how to sacrificially love my family the way I know God wanted me to love as a wife and a new mom.

If I’m honest, I truly don’t adapt to change well so, resigning from my long-time corporate job, moving into a new home and becoming a new mother was a massive uncomfortable load of change for me.  It scared me and made me question what tomorrow would look like …. And you know what, I needed that stir up.

 

That sunny afternoon changed me. I looked at my sons face and texted my husband the easiest words that flowed freely…”I feel such a peace, I know I’m exactly where I should be in this season…it’s here at home with Axle.”

 

 

I released all titles, all worldly-securities and for the first time.  I surrendered all that I thought I was “supposed” to be per what society said I should be. I became ok with the questions and the looks I got when some people heard I left corporate America and a nice lofty paycheck. I ignored my doubts that crept in when I had bad days at home with a teething baby. I pushed past the frustration of not having a typical day like I used to.  I embraced all the changes and mundane things that came with caring for a baby. My days of life were completely different and they didn’t come with a pat on the back and they didn’t come with recognition or awards.

You know what did come with this transition? The ability to LET GO.  Accepting a new beauty within myself to be at peace knowing I was doing one of the most cherished, yet toughest jobs in the world. My payback came with giggles, smiles and love from a 10-month-old. My reward was getting to be an open vessel for God to use to love a child he created, and picked me to bring into this world. I was being changed for the good, and I released the desire to avoid change….it was one of the most rewarding transitions I’ve had in my life.

Embrace change …. Let Go.  The reward is growth and love and learning how to adapt to life in any season.

 

Let God lead your hand out of fear, and the  “what if’s?”

He is faithful to make you stronger than you ever thought you were. He gives you the ultimate acknowledgement, recognition and assured identity in him. He is the one that provides your worth and value.
Let him do his work and do what he creates best …….. Let him be the changemaker that he is.

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